Angela, you made it.
Oh, of course I did.
I was thrilled when I got your call.
I've been dying to come visit you at your work.
Oh, that's right. This is Cap Weekly.
You haven't been here. This is our holiday office party-style.
Oh, boy, I love it.
Last time I was in an office,
it was all typewriters and cigarette smoke.
This is like Spaceship Enterprise.
Yes. Anyway, you are here to help me
with a very special holiday mission.
Oh, oh! I love intrigue. Tell me.
All right. So every time I try to get,
like, Mel an awesome Christmas gift, she figures it out.
So this year, I'm enlisting a secret weapon, you.
Oh, God, I think I'm starting to perspire. What is it?
All right, so I'm keeping her gift here.
I need someone to help me sneak it out,
take it to the house and hide it. All right?
So that is your mission if you choose to accept it.
Why wouldn't I accept it?
No, that's the...
The famous line from the...
It doesn't matter. You know what?
We're in a hurry, because Mel's coming to meet me, so...
Okay. Do you all drive these miniature cars?
No, it's for a,
you know, raise money for the good causes kind of thing.
They raffle it off. It's so... It's adorable.
It's like two regular-size cars had a baby.
Hey, Cap Weeklians,
spouses and life partners,
get your tickets out, let's raffle off this car, all right?
You all ready?
We have a winner, and it...
Oh, will you look who it is. Steve Linderman!
(SCREAMING)
MAN: Merry Christmas, Steve.
I love a raffle.
You know, when I was a little girl, I almost won a Lassie figurine.
I don't want you... We need to focus on the aforementioned focus,
because Mel is right there, and let's say... Hide. Sit down.
Hey, Mel.
(SAM CHUCKLES)
Hi.
Listen, this baby has been kicking me in the bladder the entire ride over,
and I'm about to pee in my tights.
So sorry, I'll be right back.
Okay. Enjoy.
(CHUCKLING) Now there's hiding? I'm in heaven.
(WHISPERING) Okay, I'll go get the gift. Stay here, stay down.
Yeah.
(BOTH MOANING)
Oh! Oh.
Hi.
Sam, hi.
All right, actually, I need...
If you don't mind, I need to grab the cello
that is over by the Post-its there.
It's a gift for my wife. If I can...
I'll just... I can...
I'll just. I can... Touched your other thing.
Disconcerting. Okay.
I'll go.
Oh! Okay. This is one way to do it.
Okay.
Got it.
There we go. Hey, I saw that you won the car in the raffle.
That's awesome. Thanks.
Merry Christmas to you and... Sorry, I don't know your name.
What do you mean you don't know my name?
I've been living with Steve for two years.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Do you... Do you not talk about me at work?
Well, I... Of course he does.
He talks all about your great, great, fascinating things of yours.
Really? Could you name one thing?
Uh... You know, you got a lot going on.
You got your hands in a lot of things. A lot of ambitions, you know,
and you're gonna make it after all.
Unbelievable.
Don't be mad. Don't tell me how to be!
Okay, so you guys obviously... I'm a third wheel here,
so I'm just gonna leave you alone. All right. Happy holidays.
You got her a cello?
Yeah, I'll explain later.
All right, so we need to take this and go that way to the freight elevator.
The freight elevator?
(LAUGHING) Oh, God, somebody pinch me.
Stay down. I'll distract her.
Hi. How are you doing?
What? Oh!
(EXCLAIMS) Mistletoe.
What? Where?
They keep moving it.
MELANIE: Mmm. You have done it again, Mom.
These are the best Christmas cookies in the whole world.
Oh, that's nice, Melanie.
(EXCLAIMING) You know the rules.
I hang these cookies on the tree.
We enjoy them Christmas morning.
Well, Mom, this one's broken.
(GASPS) Cookie time!
I wouldn't.
No, I won't.
Hey.
(WHISPERING) Where'd you put the...
(WHISPERING) In my closet.
(WHISPERING) What are we whispering about?
Oh! Not your amazing Christmas gift. That's for sure.
Tell me, what is it? Okay, I'll tell you.
Hey, Dick!
Ooh! I am excited to see what you got Angela tonight.
SAM: I bet it's great.
I bet he got her a scarf.
Why would you say that?
ANGELA: Oh, Dick, come on, hon,
you have gotten me a scarf the past few years.
But I love them. The color's always a surprise.
Well, you'll just have to wait till tonight to see.
(CHUCKLING) I love Christmas.
I'll cut your tongues out.
So what'd you get her?
A small, silk shawl.
Dad, that's a scarf.
Angela loves my scarves.
She wears them all the time.
No, Elka does.
(HUMMING)
Well, just because Angela gave her one scarf, what does that prove?
(BLOWING NOSE)
I hate to say it, Dad,
but you need to mix it up.
Oh, you should ask Sam what to get her. He's a great gift-giver.
Yeah.
It's kind of my thing.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, hotshot, what'd you get Mel?
What made you think of a cello?
A couple months ago she mentioned she used to play,
and that she missed it. It stuck in my mind.
So got her this and a couple lessons.
I'm impressed.
Like I said, it's my thing.
Has Angela mentioned anything that, you know, stuck in your head?
Oh...
Are you asking me to be your official gift-giving advisor?
I'll be downstairs.
(CHUCKLING) No, Dick, no. I'm sorry.
Um...
Let's see... Angela.
Ooh!
I actually do have something.
Angela would love a smart car.
She was at my office, and she said it was the cutest thing she'd ever seen.
I'm not getting her a car.
No, no, no. It's, like, half a car.
Well, it would top a scarf.
What the hell? Let's go look at one.
(LAUGHS) Hey, Elka.
Oh, no!
No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I can't help myself.
Oh, no, no, no. I don't care about the cookies.
I'm sorry. No, you're fine.
No, please. Don't tell Mrs. Dick.
No. I need my job.
My husband, he can't find work.
In Poland, he was in symphony. Oh, that's cool.
Now he just stays home and watches dirty movies.
Like hobo. I don't know if "hobo"
is the word you're looking for there. 'Cause I don't think they would watch TV.
Anyway, you're fine.
I'm good worker!
I come in on Christmas Day,
and I help pick up paper wrappings.
Elka, I'm telling... Boy, Christmas Day, huh?
You know what? Don't worry about the cookies.
It'll be our little secret.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Thank you, Sam.
Yes.
Hello, co-conspirator.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Wait a minute, somebody... Somebody ate a cookie from the tree.
Um...
Did you? Did... No, no, no.
Well, then who... Oh, you know what? I bet it was Elka.
(SINGING) Don't, don't, don't, don't you...
Look at her. She's all jacked up on sugar.
I know she did it. I just saw her by the tree.
She was dusting it.
She was dusting? The Christmas tree?
I didn't even ask her to do that. She's a mind-reader.
I know. I didn't even know one could dust a tree.
I don't think you have to worry about her.
She's very dedicated to this household.
She's coming in on Christmas Day.
Sam, shouldn't we...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, where are you boys going Christmas Eve?
We're going to...
Ice-skating.
You're going ice-skating? Really?
Yes.
You... (WHISPERING) What?
...need to make sure Mel does not go up in that room or in your closet,
whatever she comes up with, you make an excuse to keep her away. Okay?
Okay, I can handle that.
She's so gullible. I know.
Have fun ice-skating, boys.
I don't know. It says 13,000 on the sticker.
I mean, that seems a little extravagant to me.
Don't worry about the price. I'm gonna talk him down. I'm a master negotiator.
I mean, we can do your idea.
Go home, give Angela another scarf for Elka to hork into.
(CHUCKLES) All right. Let's do it!
All right? Let's do it. That's my Dick.
Um, all right, so what are we talking about here?
We're talking about $13,000.
I'm not an amateur, so we can skip ahead to where the big boys play.
What are we really talking about?
This is the last car.
The best I can do is 13.
Eleven. Not a dollar more.
Thirteen, and not a penny less.
Well, I'm sorry we couldn't make a deal.
(CHUCKLES) All right, then. I have to lock up and go home.
Merry Christmas. You, too. Bye, now.
Bye-bye.
Sam?
It's all right. He's coming back.
What's he doing right now?
Well, he's going in his office.
Ah, he's back out.
(LAUGHS) Told you.
And he's
putting on his coat.
Boy, he likes putting on a show.
And he's walking to his car.
He's leaving. Okay.
He's leaving. We move, we move. Hey, sir!
Wait, wait, Mr. Sir!
We're desperate. We just need that car.
So just whatever you want, we'll pay you.
Good negotiating, Sam.
I know, but it's Christmas. What are a few extra bucks, huh?
It was 3,000 extra bucks.
I promise you,
when you see the look on Angela's face,
you're gonna forget all about it.
Just get in the tiny car and follow me home.
Okay, but I do need to make a quick stop to get a big giant bow.
We don't need a bow.
Come on. When's the next time you're gonna
get a Christmas gift that's a car?
You gotta do the giant bow thing.
Just get in the car and follow me home.
All right, I'll meet you at home.
After I get a giant bow.
I like that, I think.
You know, I think I'm gonna call Elka.
Tell her to take Christmas Day off. What?
Mom, were you visited by ghosts from three different time periods?
Sam told me that she dusted the entire tree.
I just didn't realize she had been working that hard.
ELKA: Hello? Elka. Elka, dear, it's Angela.
Hello, Mrs. Dick.
I'm so glad that I caught you. There's something that I wanna talk to you about.
Hey, Mom, where do you keep the extra wrapping paper?
Just a moment, Elka.
It's upstairs in my bedroom closet.
Thanks. Okay.
Okay, what was I saying?
Something about the bedroom closet.
Oh, my God. Cello's... Cello's in my bedroom closet.
Elka, Sam told me what you did, and I don't want you coming back tomorrow.
What is this?
No, don't even... Just don't even bother coming in. Yeah.
(GASPS)
Mrs. Dick, she fired me.
(SPEAKING POLISH)
Mom, why do you have this cello in your closet?
That's where I keep my cello. You don't play cello.
Well, tell that to the cello.
You are such a bad liar.
This is one of my Christmas gifts, isn't it?
No, why would I give you my cello? Then what am I gonna play?
Okay, then. Play me something.
Okay, I will.
Give me my cello and my cello stick.
Yeah, sure, cello stick. Here you go.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IMITATING CELLO)
Mom!
(SIGHS)
Oh, BM. It's Sam's gift for you.
Hmm.
Aww.
Giving someone a new car, huh? Yeah.
Good for you, man.
Hey, you need help getting that thing on there?
Yes, actually, that'd be great.
Why don't you hold it where you want it,
and I'll get in there and tie it down for you?
Thank you so much, man. That's awesome.
The Christmas spirit is alive and well, and living in you.
All right. There you go.
All right, let's just tie it right here.
(ENGINE STARTS) All right.
Whoopsie-daisy, you started the car there a little bit.
Okay.
Are you stealing the car? You're stealing the car. You're a jerk!
Sam is amazing. I told him one story, like,
months ago about how I used to love to play cello in middle school.
What a perfect gift.
Oh, it gets better. He got you lessons, too.
Yeah?
Oh, God, now I let that cat out of the bag, too.
What's wrong with me? I should not have accepted this mission.
What? I think they're back.
Okay, you did not see this, and I'm gonna go put it back in the closet, okay?
Okay.
Okay. All right. Okay.
(GASPS)
(SCREAMING)
Hey, how was ice skating?
Good.
Where were you? Well, I was getting this.
I told you, we don't need a bow.
You know, in retrospect, you were very right about that.
What? Where's the car? It's... It's...
It's not here. Why?
It went away. It was taken away by a car robber.
It was stolen? How could this happen?
As it turns out, much more easily than I would have ever thought.
But it's okay. I've, you know, taken care of it.
I filed a report, police-wise.
Oh, damn it, Sam!
I'll just go and wrap another scarf.
Dick, just wait. Let me try one thing.
I think I actually have a way out of this. So, just one second.
(SIGHS)
STEVE: Hello? Hey, Steve, it's Sam from work.
Where are you right now?
Is this an office? It looks like a nursery school.
Just hang back here.
Hey.
You're a good friend for coming over, man.
I'm in a lot of pain. Heart pain.
Man, I am...
Sorry about that. So she kicked you out, huh?
By the way, that wasn't about anything that I did,
you know, not knowing her name and everything, right?
No, that was pretty much it. Really?
Okay, let's just change the subject.
Let's just talk about, you know, cars, or...
(SOBBING) I just love her so much!
And that is awesome that you love that much, man. You should love.
You should not hold back on that.
I've actually said that about you.
I've said, "That guy. I could learn a lot from him about that someday."
But today,
I would like to buy your car.
You're just here to buy my car? No.
I thought you were here to support me.
Both things. My heart is broken, man.
I know. Well, "broken" is kind of a...
I mean, you literally never said her name in two years.
But that's okay, none of my business.
Get up, Steve.
Now, let's be realistic.
You're inflating an air mattress
in your office on Christmas Eve.
At a minimum, you're looking at two weeks of washing out your underpants
in a sink and eating out of a vending machine.
That is, if you brought any change.
Did you bring any change, Steve? No.
You need to get back on your feet.
In my pocket, I have a check for $13,000.
What do you say?
All right, I used my good crafting glue.
That should... That should hold.
I just feel terrible that I ruined the surprise for Sam.
That'll be fine. I'll just pretend like I've never seen it before.
It's fine.
I don't think so. We Clayton girls are historically bad liars.
Okay, believe me, Mom, I've gotten a few things by you.
Well, I certainly doubt that.
Okay.
I broke the big green vase. It wasn't the dog.
I've never liked your poppy seed chicken,
and remember that sleep-over at Sandy Metcalf's house junior year?
I went to Florida and got a belly ring.
You don't like my poppy seed chicken?
I need a glass of wine.
I do.
(GASPS) Look at that.
Look what Elka did. She completely reorganized the refrigerator.
(CHUCKLES) I'm so glad I gave her the day off.
(SPEAKING POLISH)
This one is for you, Sam. Really?
Yeah.
I hope I'm not disappointed.
You know, the bar was set pretty high when Mel gave me that camcorder.
All righty. Ah!
(GASPS)
Angela, this is really nice. It's like a real jersey.
Yeah, and turn it around. You'll see.
And it has my first name on the back. Just like a real player.
Thank you. Well...
This is really nice, Angela. It's great, Mom.
All right, you ready for your gift?
Yep. Then give it. All right.
(GASPS)
What? A cello?
Oh, my God! Now, you had no idea, right?
No clue.
Well, you can thank your mom for holding on to the secret.
She was the best little secret-keeper I ever had.
Yeah, absolutely. I upheld my end of the bargain on that one.
I sure did, and she had absolutely no idea.
You told her, huh? I did.
It doesn't matter, because I love it. Thank you.
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
It's okay, Angela.
I guess there won't be a big Christmas surprise this year.
Yeah, that would have been nice. Well...
Here's your gift, honey. Merry Christmas. Oh, wow.
Oh, Dick.
And it's a scarf. It's a beautiful scarf.
You can't have too many of these.
What's this?
Oh, my God! Oh!
(LAUGHS) You got that for me?
Oh, my God. It's amazing. You like it?
I love it!
Wow, Dad, that really kicks a scarf's ass.
Mel, look at my little baby car.
(GIGGLES)
Okay, I want to take it for a ride,
so help me get rid of this tacky bow.
I got it. Yeah, they put those things on there. I don't know.
Order a pizza?
(SPEAKING POLISH)
You guys seem angry, and you keep saying my name.
(SHOUTING IN POLISH)
What the hell's going on here?
Hey, hey, hey!
Why are you doing this?
What are you guys doing? He got Elka fired!
What are you talking about? No, I didn't. They're gonna hurt my car!
(SCREAMING)
Wait!
Wait. Do not hurt cello.
He likes the cello!
May I hold cello? Give him the cello!
Okay.
The cello calms him.
I'm so glad you came back, Elka, so we could clear this up.
I would never fire you.
Thank you, Mrs. Dick.
(CELLO PLAYING)
And here we go.
You guys weren't actually gonna kill me, right?
Yes, we would have killed you a lot.
That's okay.
(SINGING) Don't,don't, don't, don't, don't you forget about me...
I love Christmas music.
Not till tomorrow.
But, Mom, the baby needs... Would you not?